Loving Yoursef

Hello gentle people of planet Earth.  Loving yourself can seem daunting at times. We live in a very negative world, where the loudest and nastiest voice seem to get all of the attention.  Humans learn by example, and when our supposed ‘role models’ are filled with hate and venom they can make even the strongest person feel less than. How does one build a defense mechanism, or shall I say an antidote to this poisionous venom? Here are 5 helpful tips to eliminate self-hate and shake off the bullshit.

1) Before taking your morning constitution, look into the mirror and say, “i am the fiercest ____________ (insert your gender identication here) in all the land.”   “No one will be bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. I love myself and haters beware.” 

2) Put some effort into your appearance. Before leaving the house, look into the mirror and say, “Is this how I want the world to see me?” That does not mean you have to be wearing the latest Paris fashions to feel presentable and fierce. It could be as simple as combing your hair, brushing your teeth, and putting on a clean pair of swears pants. Leaving the house knowing that if you were hit by a car and laid out the pavement, passerby’s would say, “She’s bleeding out, but doesn’t she look just lovely.”

3) Hang out with people who feel good about themselves. My good friend, Elaine Stritch, would say after her 5th cocktail of the day, “Stick with the winners honey!”  What that means, is spend time with people who love and respect themselves. Stay away from negative people, because negativity is as contagious as the common cold.

4) Find a job that you love. Do something that brings joy and service to the world, while creating an income for yourself. There is no shame in earning money for something that brings a helpful service to the world. After all you need to take care of yourself, otherwise you cant take of others. If you happen to be in a job that you hate (grave digger, dentist, republican politician or mime) keep the focus off of how much you hate the job and place the focus on others. It seems like an oxymoron, but self forgetting is the ultimate way to loving yourself. 

5) Eat well and exercise. We are what we eat. When I fill myself with Devil Dogs and Twinkies, I become a devil dog and a Twinkie-cream filled with a soft sugary outside. Hmm, the cream part does not sound so bad. Too much sugar clouds my mind and after a binge I tend to put myself down. 

Keep these tips in mind and you will live long and prosper. 

Stay fresh  and fab,


God Is Stupid

God has cursed us with bowel movements. Pooping and pissing are an incredible design flaw of the human body. Leaving me to believe that God may be all powerful, but he's not all smart.


Don't tell me that God created us perfect, in his image, therefor our bodily functions are perfect. Has God ever had to run to a bathroom because his ass was going to explode on a city street? Desperately 'HE' tries find a a place to drop the kids off at the pool, being turned away like the Virgin Mary from inn to inn, and forcing 'HIM' to shit in a barn. No he hasn't.  By show of hands, how many of you have squatted behind a car because a bathroom was not available? Don't lie bitches!


It would not be so bad if we only had to do number 1 and 2, once or twice a week. But three to four times a day is ridiculous! Or on the other side of the spectrum, your so backed up you become impacted and have to take a butt load of laxatives to get your body to do to the rotten thing it was created to do- crap!


Let's also discuss the impact bowel movements have on the environment: methane gas, toilet paper, water, and sewage. If a scientist could create a pill that would eliminate bowel movements, global warming would be stopped dead in its tracks. Come on scientist, get cracking!


When it's my time and I am in line waiting to enter the pearly gates, heaven forbid there is not a bathroom around. I have no problem dropping trough behind a cloud and leaving it up Saint Peter to clean up the mess.